Exchange; explain.

It had always been so that she needed to rationalize everything, not only to her self but to those around her. How boring for those who sat by her side and cared to listen. It was as if she held herself in contempt, judging herself, demanding evidence and proof, that she did indeed feel this way, that she did indeed have such and such a thought, with certainty. Nothing is as boring as listening to someone spin wheels in an attempt to explain reasons, already known to themself, for choosing X Y or  Z. It was unnecessary for her to think that she always needed to explain herself. It wasn't as though she was speaking in a language I couldn't decipher. There was no mystery, no cryptic passage or riddle she spoke in. There was no language barrier. The only curtain she drew between herself and those around her was this habitual practice she had of explaining her every move. She didn't have to do this.

Somethings don't need explaining at all. Take matters of the heart for example. Emotions, sparks, chemistry, reactions, these experiences can not always, and are often not, within our vocabulary of understanding. In fact, the actuality is such that through the process of trying to explain oneself in such a circumstance as love, the experience becomes one of the head and intellect rather than one of emotion, and thus the experience of lust/attraction is lost to the inability to put the experience into words. It is moments such as these that words become a hindrance because they limit us and perhaps even belittle the experience we are in. Consider when you take a camera on holidays and spend each blinking moment snap snap snap snap snap snapping. There is no room in this flurry of time, no matter how large the aperture, for a true experience of the moment. In these instances, the experience becomes a technical one - did I frame the shot correctly, did I set the light meter to the right setting, did the flash go off? It is in these instances, when we are on different continents and turning our heads in different times zones, that the true experience of travelling is lost. How often have you heard "well the picture doesn't do it justice" followed by a chopped-up description of the ancient architecture or painted sunset. The chopped-up description rarely serves the experience justice either, largely do to the fact that the participant was too involved in checking their f-stop. Travelling involves that you must sometimes put away the camera so that you may spend the moment embracing the new sights, sounds, smells, surrounding people. It is the same with matters of the heart. Sometimes we must put away the words in order to fully embrace the affection we are receiving. We need silence to hear the murr murr of the heart.

And this is how it was with these litigations she summoned herself to apear in. There would be no time to experience the pure innocence and excitement of certain emotions if she spent the time explaining how she got to be in situation X Y or Z, or why she was experiencing emotion A B or C. It didn't matter how she got there. It didn't matter that she felt the way she did. What mattered most was the she decided right then and there, waking up in his bed for the first time, that there is no way she could turn her back on him. She decided this without articulating it and thus, in my opinion, experienced a very rich moment, one she will never forget. I think she will always remember this snapshot of time because she didn't spend the moment trying to put it into words. Words that hinder, limit and confuse us as we struggle to explain this experiences we find ourselves in - explanation is not always possible.

He didn't chose her but she chose him. To spend this time explaining how it happened or reiterate the events leading up to the decision to act, dear councilor, are futile, boring, and of no consequence. What matters now is that she woke up, in his bed, for the first time. She didn't owe herself an explanation. She don't have to prove to her self that she deserved this; I said to her, "he is the ultimate sweetheart." She didn't respond but I could hear it in her silence, as she focused on driving home through the icy streets, "I, your honor, am the recipient of this affection and I am guilty for ensuring that I am worthy of this experience. You may sentence me to silence for I will not need words to explain my decision to say nothing in exchange of experiencing everything."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oOHQs405XcU&feature=related